my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
