he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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