Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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