I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
