She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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