She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
