i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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