I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
