You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
