they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
