i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
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Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
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I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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