I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
