If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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