I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
