I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
