hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
