There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
