I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
