Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
