Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
