my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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