Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
