I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
