Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
