Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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