90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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