I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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