You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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