I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
