She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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