I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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