There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we're making bets on your personal life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize