dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize