I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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