I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is this like a preordered booty call?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
