This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
