god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
