Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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