I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
