I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
