In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
