The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
