Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
