I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
