I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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