yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
