i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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