Where did you get a picture of my penis
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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