i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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