So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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