Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
