She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
