I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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