Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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