Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
