I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
