Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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