He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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